Superheroines

Growing up, I was never a fan of superhero movies I did not understand why I never liked them until recently. I am a mom now. And ever since I see the world differently and a lot of open ended questions that I have had have been answered through motherhood (superheros being one of them).

My baby turns 6 months tomorrow. This also means, its been 6 months of motherhood, one of the most difficult things I’ve done in my life. This past 6 months, I’ve felt so powerful, unstoppable. To the negative claim that motherhood slows you down, I dont agree, having experienced it firsthand. These past 6 months taught me that I have so much time in a day.

A typical day in my life starts with, Ila waking up between 5 to 6am which naturally becomes my wake up time, I spend a bit of time with the baby, and start packing for his day care while my husband prepares breakfast. We make some calls to family as they live in India and want to see the baby. Before leaving for the daycare and work, I nurse my baby and I make sure I have a breastpump sterilized and charged. I arrive at work between 9am - 9:30am.

I work at Yale University as a postgrad associate, I work in developmental biology exploring the influence of metabolites in early embryogenesis in a really cool lab. I start my day checking on experiments and planning for the day. Depending on the last nursing, I pump 2-3 hours after. So greatful for the innovation of breastpumps and having the privilege to buy one. I pump for 20 minutes in the lactation room and store the milk and sterilize the pump with breastpump wipes for the next pump and keep a mental note of my supply. I head back to the lab, continue some work, eat lunch. No matter how busy the day, No matter how busy my day gets, I am forced to make time for my meals now. I know that I need to nourish myself to support my milk production and in turn, nourish my baby. Sometimes I combine pumping and lunch just to optimize time. Then head back to experiments or imaging. I pump every 2-3 hours a day and for about 20 minutes. Some days, I pump while working on experiments and in lab meetings. In between all this, I manage to check in on the baby at daycare, through an app that they have.

I get home around 4:30 and 5:30pm everyday and my husband picks up the baby from the daycare around 3pm. By the time Im home, he’s either sleeping or woken up from a short nap. The first thing I do coming home is washing my hands and keeping the pumped breastmilk in the fridge. I then nurse the baby, play with him and spend time with my husband. Since we’ve started solids, we usually give Ila something to eat. Something so fascinating about babies is how curious they get at such an early age. Ila wants to hold the spoon, the bowl, wants to feel the food and explore. Its such a bliss to watch. After his feed, we give a small play time and my husband gives him a bath, I start prepping dinner and lunch for the next day, put the baby bottles and breast pump to sterelize. I quickly then eat my dinner and between 7 and 8, Ila gets ready sleep. We’re trying to sleep train him but moslty he needs me to sleep with him. So I nurse him to sleep and I fall asleep around 9. The wake windows in the night are getting better, he wakes up twice or thrice a night which is definitely better that previous months where he used to wake up and I nurse him every 2 hours through the night. Next day, same routine continues.

End of each working day I get over 10k steps in daily. Sometimes I think about everything my body is doing. I am functioning on less sleep than I ever have before while my body is also producing food for another human being. I carry so much in my mind every day. I keep track of feeds, pumping sessions, milk supply, daycare, experiments, meals, bottles, laundry, sleep, groceries, and everything else that needs to happen. I get things done at work. I get things done at home, not perfectly but, I get it done. I keep so much on my mind everyday. I don’t quite have the words for what has happened to me over these six months. I just know that I am a new person. So much has changed within me. And it has made me think about all the mothers and women around me. I have an enormous amount of respect for women. Our bodies go through so much throughout our lives, every month, through pregnancy, childbirth, postpartum recovery, breastfeeding, and motherhood.

Which comes to my starting point. The real superheros in my life are women. My mom, my grandmom, my sisters, my mother in law, my female friends, the women I work with, the women who came before me.Most superhero movies revolve around men saving the world. Maybe that is why I could never relate to them. I never followed the Marvel or DC movies. Yes, we have wonder woman, but I can’t help thinking about how long women and mothers existed as extraordinary figures in real life before they were allowed to occupy that kind of space in our stories.

There is no guidance to being a woman or a mother, You go through the life altering experience of giving birth, whether vaginally or through a C section, and then you are handed a newborn. Suddenly you are responsible for keeping this tiny human alive while recovering yourself. And somehow, the world expects you to return. Return to work. Return to your responsibilities. Return to the same grit and efficiency. Return to being the person you were before.

But how can you be exactly the same person when something so enormous has happened to you?

Sometimes I wish my mother had kept a diary. I wish she had documented what pregnancy felt like, what motherhood did to her, what scared her, what exhausted her, what made her happy, and how she navigated all of it. She is a working mom, she managed to keep me safe, healthy, cook fresh meals every single day. So did my grandmother to her and my dad’s mom and my husband’s mom and her mom. Every mom is a working mom. Every mom is a super hero. These are the people I look up to every single day in my life. They say it takes a village. It truly does. I am so grateful to be surrounded by supportive women, both at home and at work, who have helped me become the mother I am still learning to be.

I am trying to document my journey for Ila. One day I want him to read these words and know who the real superheroes in his story are or rather, superheroines. I want him to know about all the women whose lives, sacrifices, love, strength, and care are part of the reason he is here today. When I think about the kind of person I want Ila to become, I don’t think about achievements or titles. I want him to be empathetic and compassionate. I want him to love life and I want him to make the people around him love their lives a little more too.

Ofcourse goes without saying, my most wonderful husband Suriya who supports me in everything I do. He will be a great example for Ila, I have no doubt.

I feel incredibly blessed to have the privilege of becoming a mother and being able to breastfeed my baby. These have been by far some of the most extraordinary experiences of my life. I don’t know if anything else will ever come close. There is something indescribable about caring for another human being who depends on you so completely. His tiny toes. His little hands tapping my face while I nurse him. His early morning coos. His wide doe eyed smile when he sees me. Sometimes, all of it truly feels like a dream. I never want to forget the tiny details of these first six months. I don’t want to forget how tired I was. I don’t want to forget the middle of then ight feeds, the pumping, the bottles, the sterilizing, the rushing, the worrying, the planning, and the constant mental calculations. But I also don’t want to forget the little hands on my face. The sleepy smiles. The feeling of his body falling asleep against mine and his soft soft skin. I want to remember that these months were incredibly difficult and euphoric at the very same time.

Six months ago, Ila was born. And somewhere along the way so was this new version of me.